gone, baby, gone

there are two main reasons i blog. the first being that it allows all our friends and family members who live far away to see what is going on in our lives. the second is because this blog is like my journal. everything important that happens in our lives i write about...its a way for me to vent, grieve or express my joy. its the easiest way for me to express how i am feeling. as i sit here with doctors orders to take it easy for a few days and with a thousand thoughts and emotions running through me, i share our latest story. just a warning: its long and possibly emotional so read at your own risk.

about one week ago i started spotting. yes, yes. i know that is normal for some people however, it is not normal for me. although the thought that something was wrong always lingered in the back of my mind, i tried to tell myself it was ok. it wasn't bad bleeding, i wasn't cramping. days passed and it never went away. on saturday night as asked curtis to give me a blessing and thats when i knew. i didn't know when or how it would happen, but i knew this baby was not going to be joining our family here on earth. maybe 6 hours later at 4:30 sunday morning, i woke up and ran to our bathroom. as soon as i reached the vinyl floor, blood gushed everywhere. i ripped my basketball shorts and garment bottoms off and sat down on the toilet where the bleeding continued. curtis called his mom and the hospital and i sat there thinking "there is so much blood, i don't have a baby anymore". after the hospital told us to come in right away, curtis ran to our neighbors house. my good friend susan came over to stay with the kids so we could get to the ER. after placing a beach towel under me to stop the bleeding we stood to go and i knew something wasn't right. i felt so so sick. i just kept saying "i'm going to pass out curtis. i'm going to pass out". he sat me on the edge of the bathtub and the last thing i remember was leaning into him saying "i'm going to pass out". the next thing i remember, it was dark and i could hear someone calling my name faintly. my name got louder and i was able to open my eyes. i was laying on the floor, breathing heavily, and i could hear sirens in the background. curtis was on the phone explaining where our house was and what it looked like. the next thing i knew, our room was full of paramedics. i remember one of them saying "yeah, that's a lot of blood". they lifted me onto a stretcher and wheeled me out to the ambulance. if you can recall from my last post, the hospital in town does not have a labor and delivery floor. therefore my doctor and the hospital i planned on using was about 20 minutes away. during the ride i was stable and talked with the paramedic as curtis had to ride up in the front. after we arrived, i was placed in an ER room and since it was 5 am on a sunday morning, had to wait what felt like eternity for the ultrasound tech to arrive. we were finally in a darkened room, curtis was holding my hand, my amazing nurse was holding my knees that were both shaking and tears were sliding down my face. i didn't need a rocket scientist to tell me what "the baby is not viable" means especially when it is followed with "yeah there isn't any movement". they tried to hear the heartbeat and there wasnt anything there. just the white static of the ultrasound machine. the doctor on duty came in to have a look and as he walked over to me i knew what was coming. he fixed my blankets (i had at least 6 or 7 on at the time), patted my shoulder and explained what i already knew: these things usually happen because something was not right with the baby. it isnt mine or my husbands fault. as he walked past curtis, the doctor patted his shoulder and said "i am so sorry". seeing the tears well up in curtis' eyes really hit me hard. the husbands are the tough ones, and it hurt me to see how much it was also hurting him. that moment in that room was definitely the worst part of the day. since i had already lost quite a bit of tissue, they decided to try to get the baby out without surgery. it was successful but after another ultrasound, the doctor who had taken me on as his patient saw a lot more unwanted stuff left in my uterus. he felt that in order to make sure there were no further problems i needed to receive a D & C. he called the OR staff and prepared me for operation. the surgery went well, i was in the recovery room for about an hour then our friends came and dropped our car off. so after an ambulance ride, a 12 hour stay at the hospital, a broken heart and no more baby, we were headed home. the kids stayed at our neighbors house for a bit longer, curtis headed to the pharmacy to pick up  my prescriptions, and susan came over to be with me. this is another story entirely but i KNOW heavenly father sent susan and her family here for a reason. susan and i have built such a good friendship in only the month they have lived across the street from us and i don't know what i would have done without her. she even cleaned up my bathroom for me....how great of a friend to do something like that :)

so i know it has only been one day, but like i said i needed to do this as part of my grieving process.i don't want people to feel sorry for me. i don't want anyone to pity me. i just needed to get it all out so maybe i can stop repeating everything over and over in my head. this is just part of my life and although it is so amazingly hard, i know it happened for a reason. thanks to the covenants curtis and i made in the temple 5 1/2 years ago, we will see our baby again. our whole family is sealed together forever.