healing a broken heart

it will be 1 month on sunday since we lost our baby and it has been an emotional roller coaster! the first few days were the hardest. i didn't feel like eating, i couldn't sleep. every time i closed my eyes i would see my bathroom covered in blood (ever seen "the help"? it made me think of miss celia's bathroom when she lost her baby..."why is there so much blood?").  i was so scared that when i stood up blood would start gushing out again (pathetic i know but i just couldn't get that feeling out of my brain). i would look at my ultrasound picture and ask how it was possible that the baby had been moving and jumping just three weeks before this happened. i had started my second trimester which usually means you are pretty much in the clear (no guarantee of course and now i know that).  it just didn't make sense. sometimes i would just lay in bed and cry for really no reason at all. the beginning of october has brought on new emotional challenges. i would be 18 weeks today. i should have a little belly now and we would have been able to find out the gender of the baby this month. even though there are times when i feel that pain in my heart, i have a peaceful feeling about everything that happened. the more i think about it, the more i realize that this did happen for a reason. after i started spotting and everyone told me that sometimes that happened through the whole pregnancy, i couldn't help but think "but i don't want that. i don't want to have to worry the remaining 6 months". that one week of spotting killed me let alone months of it! so, call me selfish, but i was almost relieved when we knew that baby was gone. it broke my heart to say goodbye, but i knew that he was ok and in a good place and i no longer had to worry about his safety. his 11 week profile picture has a permanent place on my dresser mirror and he has a special place in my heart. time moves on but we will never forget that sweet baby and the joy it brought us for 14 1/2 weeks!

so thats kind of an overview of my feelings the past 4 weeks. there is quite a bit more to it but a lot of it is too personal for me to share for everyone and their pet dog to see :) i want to thank all our family, friends and ward members for their thoughts and prayers. there is no way i would have been able to get through this without my support system. my husband has been the most amazing of all. he knows how hard this has been for me and he is trying his best to help me heal. i read an article that said how many husbands involved in miscarriages fell left out of sorts. many times everyone is focused on the woman when in fact the man is hurting too. after reading that days after we lost the baby, i tried my hardest to make sure curtis knew i was aware of his emotions too. although it was super traumatizing, i feel like as a family it brought us closer together. curtis and i already have a great relationship and i feel like this only made us stronger. i know heavenly father will give us the chance to bring more children into this world but until then my gratitude for my children has greatly increased. i have an amazing boy and a beautiful girl and even if things don't work out in the future, i will have these two pills to love and hate :)  

 i have learned a lot this past month (physically, emotionally, and spiritually) but the most important thing to remember is that even though it may be difficult at times and it may not make sense, i know heavenly father has a plan me.