trick or trunk :)

as usual our halloween was plain and simple. mason is obsessed with pirates (thanks to the show "jake and the neverland pirates") so that was his choice of costume and i chose fairy for sophie. yep, i was cheap this year :) we borrowed an awesome pirate hat from our friends but mason refused to wear it any longer than pictures. i did convince him to wear our cheap pirate hat while trick or treating though.

we started out the festivities with the ward's annual trunk or treat/chili cook off. mason had fun doing a cake walk and playing with his friends but he was mostly excited for the "trick or trunk" as he calls it :) sophie didn't really understand what was going on. as soon as a piece of candy fell into her bag, she reached right in after it and wanted to eat it. curtis eventually just let her have a sucker and she was content the rest of the time. on halloween curtis had to work (or course!) so i just took the kids with our friends around the neighborhood. once again mase had fun with his friends but sophie was getting frustrated that she couldn't just eat everything that people gave her. i just let her snack on a few things here and there which kept her happy and once she got the hang of things she would grab her bag, reach for my hand and head for the door. at one house, the people were sitting outside handing out their candy but we still had to go to the door because soph was convinced that's what you do :) she LOVED looking at all the decorations both at the trunk or treat and while trick or treating. some of the things seemed scary but she was absolutely fascinated by them! we had fun but i'm glad it's over and now i have way too much candy in the house!   

 

i taught preschool the week before halloween and we talked about fall and halloween. on monday we carved a pumpkin then planted the "magic pumpkin seeds" and when the kids came back on wednesday some pumpkins had grown in our backyard! :) this is the one mason decorated.         

 

a cold front came through just in time for the trunk or treat. even though it wasn't really that cold, sophie insisted wearing her coat the whole time :)

no jacket needed for trick or treating AND she kept her wings on most of the time! it was a little weird to have the ice cream truck following us instead of wearing coats and mittens and scarves under our costumes like we had to in utah :)

this is sophie and her buddy camille.

our little gang.

healing a broken heart

it will be 1 month on sunday since we lost our baby and it has been an emotional roller coaster! the first few days were the hardest. i didn't feel like eating, i couldn't sleep. every time i closed my eyes i would see my bathroom covered in blood (ever seen "the help"? it made me think of miss celia's bathroom when she lost her baby..."why is there so much blood?").  i was so scared that when i stood up blood would start gushing out again (pathetic i know but i just couldn't get that feeling out of my brain). i would look at my ultrasound picture and ask how it was possible that the baby had been moving and jumping just three weeks before this happened. i had started my second trimester which usually means you are pretty much in the clear (no guarantee of course and now i know that).  it just didn't make sense. sometimes i would just lay in bed and cry for really no reason at all. the beginning of october has brought on new emotional challenges. i would be 18 weeks today. i should have a little belly now and we would have been able to find out the gender of the baby this month. even though there are times when i feel that pain in my heart, i have a peaceful feeling about everything that happened. the more i think about it, the more i realize that this did happen for a reason. after i started spotting and everyone told me that sometimes that happened through the whole pregnancy, i couldn't help but think "but i don't want that. i don't want to have to worry the remaining 6 months". that one week of spotting killed me let alone months of it! so, call me selfish, but i was almost relieved when we knew that baby was gone. it broke my heart to say goodbye, but i knew that he was ok and in a good place and i no longer had to worry about his safety. his 11 week profile picture has a permanent place on my dresser mirror and he has a special place in my heart. time moves on but we will never forget that sweet baby and the joy it brought us for 14 1/2 weeks!

so thats kind of an overview of my feelings the past 4 weeks. there is quite a bit more to it but a lot of it is too personal for me to share for everyone and their pet dog to see :) i want to thank all our family, friends and ward members for their thoughts and prayers. there is no way i would have been able to get through this without my support system. my husband has been the most amazing of all. he knows how hard this has been for me and he is trying his best to help me heal. i read an article that said how many husbands involved in miscarriages fell left out of sorts. many times everyone is focused on the woman when in fact the man is hurting too. after reading that days after we lost the baby, i tried my hardest to make sure curtis knew i was aware of his emotions too. although it was super traumatizing, i feel like as a family it brought us closer together. curtis and i already have a great relationship and i feel like this only made us stronger. i know heavenly father will give us the chance to bring more children into this world but until then my gratitude for my children has greatly increased. i have an amazing boy and a beautiful girl and even if things don't work out in the future, i will have these two pills to love and hate :)  

 i have learned a lot this past month (physically, emotionally, and spiritually) but the most important thing to remember is that even though it may be difficult at times and it may not make sense, i know heavenly father has a plan me.



gone, baby, gone

there are two main reasons i blog. the first being that it allows all our friends and family members who live far away to see what is going on in our lives. the second is because this blog is like my journal. everything important that happens in our lives i write about...its a way for me to vent, grieve or express my joy. its the easiest way for me to express how i am feeling. as i sit here with doctors orders to take it easy for a few days and with a thousand thoughts and emotions running through me, i share our latest story. just a warning: its long and possibly emotional so read at your own risk.

about one week ago i started spotting. yes, yes. i know that is normal for some people however, it is not normal for me. although the thought that something was wrong always lingered in the back of my mind, i tried to tell myself it was ok. it wasn't bad bleeding, i wasn't cramping. days passed and it never went away. on saturday night as asked curtis to give me a blessing and thats when i knew. i didn't know when or how it would happen, but i knew this baby was not going to be joining our family here on earth. maybe 6 hours later at 4:30 sunday morning, i woke up and ran to our bathroom. as soon as i reached the vinyl floor, blood gushed everywhere. i ripped my basketball shorts and garment bottoms off and sat down on the toilet where the bleeding continued. curtis called his mom and the hospital and i sat there thinking "there is so much blood, i don't have a baby anymore". after the hospital told us to come in right away, curtis ran to our neighbors house. my good friend susan came over to stay with the kids so we could get to the ER. after placing a beach towel under me to stop the bleeding we stood to go and i knew something wasn't right. i felt so so sick. i just kept saying "i'm going to pass out curtis. i'm going to pass out". he sat me on the edge of the bathtub and the last thing i remember was leaning into him saying "i'm going to pass out". the next thing i remember, it was dark and i could hear someone calling my name faintly. my name got louder and i was able to open my eyes. i was laying on the floor, breathing heavily, and i could hear sirens in the background. curtis was on the phone explaining where our house was and what it looked like. the next thing i knew, our room was full of paramedics. i remember one of them saying "yeah, that's a lot of blood". they lifted me onto a stretcher and wheeled me out to the ambulance. if you can recall from my last post, the hospital in town does not have a labor and delivery floor. therefore my doctor and the hospital i planned on using was about 20 minutes away. during the ride i was stable and talked with the paramedic as curtis had to ride up in the front. after we arrived, i was placed in an ER room and since it was 5 am on a sunday morning, had to wait what felt like eternity for the ultrasound tech to arrive. we were finally in a darkened room, curtis was holding my hand, my amazing nurse was holding my knees that were both shaking and tears were sliding down my face. i didn't need a rocket scientist to tell me what "the baby is not viable" means especially when it is followed with "yeah there isn't any movement". they tried to hear the heartbeat and there wasnt anything there. just the white static of the ultrasound machine. the doctor on duty came in to have a look and as he walked over to me i knew what was coming. he fixed my blankets (i had at least 6 or 7 on at the time), patted my shoulder and explained what i already knew: these things usually happen because something was not right with the baby. it isnt mine or my husbands fault. as he walked past curtis, the doctor patted his shoulder and said "i am so sorry". seeing the tears well up in curtis' eyes really hit me hard. the husbands are the tough ones, and it hurt me to see how much it was also hurting him. that moment in that room was definitely the worst part of the day. since i had already lost quite a bit of tissue, they decided to try to get the baby out without surgery. it was successful but after another ultrasound, the doctor who had taken me on as his patient saw a lot more unwanted stuff left in my uterus. he felt that in order to make sure there were no further problems i needed to receive a D & C. he called the OR staff and prepared me for operation. the surgery went well, i was in the recovery room for about an hour then our friends came and dropped our car off. so after an ambulance ride, a 12 hour stay at the hospital, a broken heart and no more baby, we were headed home. the kids stayed at our neighbors house for a bit longer, curtis headed to the pharmacy to pick up  my prescriptions, and susan came over to be with me. this is another story entirely but i KNOW heavenly father sent susan and her family here for a reason. susan and i have built such a good friendship in only the month they have lived across the street from us and i don't know what i would have done without her. she even cleaned up my bathroom for me....how great of a friend to do something like that :)

so i know it has only been one day, but like i said i needed to do this as part of my grieving process.i don't want people to feel sorry for me. i don't want anyone to pity me. i just needed to get it all out so maybe i can stop repeating everything over and over in my head. this is just part of my life and although it is so amazingly hard, i know it happened for a reason. thanks to the covenants curtis and i made in the temple 5 1/2 years ago, we will see our baby again. our whole family is sealed together forever.

here comes lucky #3

a few weeks ago i started feeling a little yucky. i was getting really lightheaded and i couldn't even pick up toys to vaccuum without getting sick. ya know that feeling when you stand up too quickly and you just can't focus? that's how i felt all day long. one night after curtis got home from work i told him something was wrong with me and i was debating whether or not to go to the doctor. i figured i would just let it go a bit longer and if it continued to get worse then i would make an appointment. a few days later curtis was running to the store after the kiddies went to bed. i told him to pick up a pregnancy test just so i could rule that out even though i was sure i was not pregnant :) he returned, i had to pee, and took the test with me. the first pink line (the pregnant line) showed up immediately. not dull-barely-there either. it was BRIGHT pink. i turned that test every which way telling myslef it was upside down. then the second line showed up. i started laughing to myself. no way was this happening. it hadn't even been two months since i stopped taking my birth control when i started weaning sophie from breastfeeding. it took us 9 months to get pregnant with mason and 6 (or 7?) months with sophie so we figured if we stopped in may we would get pregnant at the perfect time. i asked friends how long it took them to get thier periods back after nursing and they all said it took a while...6 months, 3 months, a year. great. it hadn't even been two months since i stopped nursing sophie so i figured i was good. i'd just take a test every couple of months until i got my period back to make sure i wasn't pregnant. yeah. was not expecting to get a positive test this early on. i had even taken a test in may and it was negative. i was seriously shocked as i sat there and stared at a white stick with two lines. i found curtis in the kitchen with my hands clasped over my mouth. "you're not serious" he said. i told him the test was on the toilet. go look. he was shocked beyond words. we paced around our room laughing, asking ourselves how this happened. we normally go to bed around 10 pm. it was after 12:30 am when we both finally succumed to sleep.

the next step was to find a doctor...and a hospital. the hospital here in waxahachie currently does not have a labor and delivery floor. the hopsital ran out of room so they took away the OB floor to house regular patients until they finish building the new hospital. the two closest hospitals are in ennis (about 20 minutes away) and mansfield (about 30 minutes away). i had a friend who just had a baby in mansfield and she really liked it. i didn't want to have to drive that far though. turns out our insurance is not in thier preferred network anyway. looks like we are having a baby in ennis, texas (as of right now anyway). i found a doctor and made an appoinment. the day finally came and curtis went with me. sure enough there was a little something on the ultrasound screen :) baby is still pretty little and since i don't have a missed period to go by, the estimated size of the baby is about 7 weeks. so....little bundle of joy (or trouble) number 3 should arrive around early march!

i still can't believe this is happening so fast. we have only been in texas for a year and i already had to find a baby doctor. timing is so tricky and i just need to learn that i have no control over it....we wanted our other kids when we started trying, but had to wait a while and with this baby we wanted to wait a little bit but we are getting it right away. that's life! hopefully everything will continue to go well. i didn't have problems with my last two pregnancies and so far this one is pretty close to the same...my morning sickness hit about the same time and hopefully it only lasts that long too. i will keep praying for my new little one and keep you all updated on his or her growth. wish us luck! :)

one year later

i can't believe it has been one year since we left utah behind and started our new life in texas. as most of you know it was really hard at first. we were in a total culture shock (it was weird being a minority instead of a majority), a little apartment with a terrible neighbor, no friends or family and i had a 2 month old and a terrible two year old. there were lots of tears, anger, frustration, and sleepless nights. once we bought our house thing were better. waxahachie felt like home (including the non stop wind that cedar city has). the kids adjusted, we made friends, and minus missing family, i was ok with the way things had worked out (our ultimate goal is still to get back to utah one day :). we were also able to buy a car recently (that we all fit in with room to spare) so curtis and i no longer had to coordinate the car situation which was so great! one thing that didn't change much was how many hours curtis was working. when he was going to school full time and working full time i didn't see him very much but the situation was so much different. i have learned to adapt, deal with all household duties, doctor appointments, and sometimes even church by myself. sounds stupid, but i have grown up a lot. i felt like i finally had my groove and things were settled down. then, a few months ago curtis was contacted by pepsi. they were impressed by his resume and wanted to bring him in for an interview. although we didn't even apply for a new job (they found his info through a business type website called linkedin) or even think of a different job at this point in time, we figured it wouldn't hurt to see if he got the job. not even 24 hours after his interview, curtis recieved an offer. curtis has recieved several good raises at white wave but the starting salary at pepsi was almost $10k more than he was currently making. no, we are not just in it for the money. issues with curtis' current job along with many other reasons lead us to take the job with pepsi.  so, here we go again. at least we don't have to move (the pepsi plant is located in mesquite which is about 45 minutes away...white wave was already a 30 minute commute). i think this job will be great for curtis. he is such a hard worker and everyone appreciates him and his contribution. i bet he could get a job anywhere being the charmer that he is :) even though our lives have changed greatly and it never goes as planned, i know we are supposed to be here. not only have i grown as a mentally, i have grown spiritually. i think i took advantage of the church in utah. everyone was lds (well...most :) and going to church on sunday was just what we did. i had family 10 minutes away and friends just down the road. when you move away from the only place you have ever known, you really rely on the church. ward members helped us move. ward members invited us over for christmas eve. ward members became friends. ward members became our family. i have also really been studying my scriptures. i was a 4 year consecutive reader in seminary but i think i have learned more the past few months than i ever did those 4 years. i believe by the time we leave here, my testimony will be stronger than ever! (it already is :)

anyway, thats life. watch for more posts soon :)

summertime activities

so its true. i am not a cool mom. i don't take my kids on daily trips to the zoo or the museum or the pool. instead, we read a lot of books, play a lot of games, go to the library, draw with sidewalk chalk, play in our own pool and swing. lame i know but aren't we just supposed to do our best? well, in my defense, that's exactly what i'm doing. it's not that i wake up and say to myself, "i am going to hold my children prisoner and never let them leave the house." i actually do the opposite. and it usually backfires. if an activity comes up i tell myself "last time i tried this i had to drag my kids away early and told myself i would never do it again but i will give it one more shot." then the cycle just repeats itself. mason is ok. it's sophie that is impossible. its just too hard to keep an eye on mason while i'm trying to wrestle a crying 1 year old. so judge me all you want, but i know that i am doing my best.

with summer on everyones mind, the activities are in full swing. as usual i decided to try and be a cool mom. our library has a summer reading program so mason, sophie and i go to the library a lot to get new books and read as many as we can. you get 1 ticket for every 5 books you read and you can only read 1 book 3 times. we have a lot of fun discovering good books, and not so good ones. at the end of the summer there will be a carnival where you can buy prizes with your tickets and even though i don't have to motivate mason to read he likes to see his progress on a simple piece of paper.

my pictures are a little out of order, but the first activity that the library hosted was the dallas zoo. they brought 8 animals, we barely made it through 3 of them. mason couldn't have cared less. he was more interested in taking pictures and climbing trees. sophie was hot and tired and cried the whole time so as usual we left early. 2 days later they had another activity. thankfully curtis was off work so i got him to go with me to help with the kids. since it was a two hour activity (the first was search and rescue dogs, the second was the ringling circus clowns) we skipped the first hour and just went to the second activity. as the dogs were getting ready to leave sophie kept walking up to one trying to pet it. the owners were really nice and let her have as much time as she wanted. sophie really wanted to pet her but then she would get scared and back away. it was cute :) both kids did well with the clowns....for about 10 minutes. mason began to wander, finding other things more interesting. sophie just sat with curtis and hung out. even if mason didn't find it fun, i thought the clowns were awesome! they had the whole crowd cracking up (minus my kids of course).      

 slappy and monday

monday is playing an actual saw

now the dallas zoo pictures.

this is an alligator

owl

armadillo

so that is our boring (and hot) summer so far. maybe i will gain up my courage by the time the next activity comes around and try yet again. until then we will enjoy our nice air conditioned house and hide and seek.

look who is 1!!

this past year sure has been a crazy one....and one of the hardest of my entire life. the birth of my baby girl was the best event of the year. easy labor and delivery, beautiful baby and sleeping 6 hours at night by 2 months (unfortunately that all changed once we moved). now she is already so much bigger and it seems as though i love her more every day. she definitely has me wrapped around her little finger :) here are a few little facts about our little loaf:

she has gorgeous blue eyes and perfect blonde hair

she is already so funny!! one thing she does is if you say "shh" she will lay down on the floor and then pop up for you to say "good morning!"

attitude. need i say more?

stubborn. again, need i say more?

she hates eating something unless its something that WE older people are eating

shes a mommas girl....bad.

she takes after her brother when it comes to teeth...already almost has her full set by age 1

she is so great at walking!

she loves her daddy (just loves momma more :)

she LOVES playing with mason

she is a water baby. bath. swimming pool. as long as water is involved

do not take her outside and expect to get her back in the house without a huge fit

she stops complete strangers in thier tracks with her good looks :)

apparently she has second child syndrome...meaning she is SO much harder than the first

climber. of. everything. she could make it to the top of the slide on the swing set before she could walk across a room

we had the pleasure of celebrating her big 1 year with her grandpa tony and uncle casey! they were in town helping us put in a patio so we went to dinner at the famous catfish plantation (its haunted...look it up if you dont know about it :) then went home for cake and presents. sophie wasnt a big fan of her cupcake...didnt even make a mess!

this is her little rider from grandma colleen and family. she loved it and im sure she will enjoy riding around out front with mason!

love this look that she gives in pictures...cracks me up!!

face time with grandma steph

while pregant with sophie we kept saying we wanted another boy. i really wanted mason to have a brother to play with. now that i have sophie i dont know what the heck i was thinking!! i LOVE having a girl!! i love doing her hair and girl clothes are so much cuter!! i really feel like we have a special bond (im hoping our next kid will be a boy so i can have sophie all to myself :). i am so glad we have this girl in our lives. she is a handful. wow. i thought girls were supposed to be easier as baby's? either way, i freaking love this girl. happy birthday sopha-loaf!